depression

the lesson

~ suelax

Putting this poem out there makes me nervous. I wrote most of it over a year ago when I realized I needed to go back on antidepressants, which was (at the time) heartbreaking and shameful for me (because the depression told me to be ashamed). And I’ve always wanted to go back and edit it but it was too important to me so I put it off until now. Maybe I’ll keep editing even after I post it.

This poem stems from a specific experience but I realized that it has happened a few times in my life and now I’ll finally recognize it for what it is. And for that I really am grateful.

–the violet zoo

the dosing dilemma

~ suelax

I hope you can sense that the initial sense of frustration was easily replaced by excitement in the urgent tone I tried to convey with a big ol’ run-on poem. I used to have a love-hate relationship with antidepressants but now it’s just love-dislike–they really do good in my life (and the lives of those around me, haha). I wanted to see if increasing my dose would calm the anxiety a little more (my depression has been gone since starting them again) but almost immediately it made me want to sleep day and night, no matter when I took it, and I was getting depressed because I was too sleepy to do anything! Oh, the irony. I didn’t want to write, I wasn’t riding well, and my memory got even worse. So at the time I posted this on Instagram I was only on day 2 of weaning to my original dose and I really hope this “awakening” stays with me (the intended effect can take weeks to settle in but the side effects can happen immediately). Meds are the right decision for me although they can put me through the ringer–so you know if I’m willing to endure it all I really do think they’re worth it…even if some asshole at a party tries to shame me otherwise.

–the violet zoo

please get me out

~ suelax

The zoo in my head. I am very grateful for therapy, antidepressants, friends, my bike, and my running shoes. This is part of me, and although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I also don’t wish to be anyone else.

–the violet zoo

wednedays at 4pm

~ suelax

I’m just going to put this poem right here and not say anything about it. Thanks for reading.

I completely fell apart.
(But you got through).
I knew what to do
yet couldn’t do it.
(But you got through).
I couldn’t stop crying.
I couldn’t stop doing nothing.
(But you got through).
I wanted it to be over,
one way or another.
(But here you are).

*conversations with my therapist
**what success looks like

–the violet zoo

ode to joy

~ suelax

I had “poem 3” all ready to post and then wrote this today and really wanted to share it. hope you en-joy:

I am new to joy,
I don’t yet trust it.
It is an unfamiliar acquaintance
that threatens my fragile reserve.

Sometimes when I feel it
I get confused.
What is this sensation
that I hardly recognize?

Sometimes when I feel it
I am embarrassed.
It was a feeling to hide in my youth,
a source of shame.

Sometimes when I feel it,
I want to give it back.
It means the end of
my wisdom (my depression),
the end of
my identity (my crutch).

Sometimes when I feel it,
I look over my shoulder.
Who is tricking me?
When will I fall?

Sometimes when I feel it,
I want to cry
from my overwhelming love
for other people,
for nature,
for myself.

Happiness is fleeting,
joy an intentional choice.
It must be cultivated,
coddled,
honed as a skill.

Please let me accept it.
Please let me learn.
Please let me be joy-full.

*please.

–the violet zoo